Anxiety is a Masterful Teacher

Anxiety is masterful teacher. I experience many forms of it, but one that beckons me so sweetly into its grip is social anxiety. I was picked on a lot from a young age — by my family members, the kids on my block, my classmates — and all the way through college. Eventually I found alcohol to be the perfect lubricant for connecting with other people. It helped me to dance like a wild thing, even when I entirely hated the music.

Now, even if I hit a spliff, I feel incredibly awkward while dancing, even (to an extent) when I love the music. So often I find myself in public settings where my discomfort acts a reflex that goes from filing alienated to instead assuming that nothing I survey is of any interest for me. (Yes, this IS pretension.) This experience really upsets me, however. I really wish I could enjoy the things that so many others seem derive pleasure from, but instead I maintain my position as a wallflower, perhaps outwardly seeming aloof but inwardly wishing I could be in the fray and experiencing whatever everyone else is getting out of a particular event.

I went to @floydyogajam thanks to the generosity of my dear college friend @everfreespirit and her wonderful partner @ragoodial07 (who I’ve been getting to know over the last year or so). I spent half of the festival by myself, floating around to whatever workshop, yoga session, or musical performance caught my attention. Sometimes I’d run into one group or another that I knew. Strangers introduced themselves to me. I maintained a wall of shyness at first, but something in me kept urging me to push beyond my comfort zones and to try things that were distinctly uncomfortable. Eventually, I broke through this barrier, and found myself having an incredible time of laughter and healing with old and new friends alike. I won’t forget what occurred this past weekend soon, and still find myself crying at random moments. It’s the best sort of weird.

I refuse to allow myself to snick back into old habits, now that I’m back in Richmond and home with my family. I have a lot of work and healing still to do, and I’m excited for it all.

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