It has become obvious that I’m unstuck. I’m in a perpetual state of leaving and going to all at the same time. Even while I’m sitting here writing this, I’m thinking about where these words could possibly go, and how I have to leave this job and go to another within a matter of hours.
I’m always going and leaving, which leads me to wonder which places am I leaving from and which am I coming back to. In short, there is no place that I go to where I finally “am” and that when I leave it I will eventually come back to it. I’m going off to somewhere else where I will eventually leave and then return to. All of it.
I’m realizing that the idea of coming and going is nearly irrelevant. I simply “am” wherever I am — in one constant and permanent stream of nowness, and it’s infinite, because when I inevitably die and decompose, the matter that formerly made up my skin, teeth, blood, flesh and these days mostly hair, will dissipate through the earth and the atmosphere, only to be recollected somewhere and become something else.
The point becomes to make sure that wherever I am in this moment, that I am making the best of it and not giving too much thought to what I have done or could be doing in the future. It’s irrelevant, because neither of those timescapes exists. It’s only what I’m doing in the moment that has any actual meaning, what I’m doing to build upon and enrich my forever current state of being.
It’s infinite. Like an abyss staring into another abyss trying to make sense of it. Or, better yet, mirrors standing face to face. We’re all doing this at all times, simply reflecting other people and everything, which is also reflecting itself. Infinity.
This is significant for creativity. At least it is to me in this moment. Knowing that whatever I do is a reflection of my environment and how I interact with it, and how that “image” is reflected again and again without end. The simple way to say it is that “everything is connected,” which I believe to be true, but I believe that phrase is a misdirected oversimplification.
I believe that in the same way holy texts use the phrase “I am,” that “We are.” And it doesn’t matter what happens tomorrow or in the future or after we die. Because it all will just be whatever it is, so it’s ridiculous for anyone to do anything other than to just “be” and “do,” since that’s all there really is. Outside of that, it’s all just distractions keeping us from being fully present and actually living.
My mind is so caught up in it’s own constructs and endless loops that I fail to “do” more than I actually do. Even 90/10 would be an overly-generous ratio.
But enough of that. I’m approaching the precipice where my continuing to write this could begin to infringe upon “doing” and become more of a now waste. The only way, then, to be there, it to just jump into stream. And instead of letting it carry me along for a ride or, worse yet, sinking or trying to swim the other way, I’m charged with more than simply swimming with the tide: My task (or my life’s purpose) is to create currents of my own.
Now and forever.